| Up the Annie |
[May. 24th, 2005|06:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Livin La Vida Loca | ] |
Well here it is. My husband just quit the band he helped found because of a long list of reasons. One being he was just plain tired of all the effort for no reward and didn't want to quit his job to tour constantly with barely any time off.
I am sure that despite the 20 or so very good reasons he gave, he forgot to leave our marriage out of that list on purpose.
I am happy and sad that he quit. More happy of course. Sad that I won't get to party with friends at the shows, sad that once every couple of months at one show my husband would actually have a good time and won't anymore, sad that this dream did not pan out for him.
YET I am happy because that thing (the band) which we have based our whole lives on for the past 4.5 years is now gone. I am unsure of many things now but the main one is:
1. Now that my husband will actually be around, can I learn to be a better wife?
I wonder what he will become. He plans to pursue other interests like creative horror writing, photography, hiking, etc, etc. I hope he will become great and accomplished at something he really loves (before anyone else comes around with a new band offer). Perhaps he will not live drunk or as drunk as he has from avoiding the stress of an overburdened life. Perhaps his outlook on life will change due to having free time that he can do things he enjoys. Perhaps he will not die young from cancer, liver failure, heart-attack, or car crash due to the life of a rockstar.
I just hope that his life and our life will become great and we will actually learn to be a real husband and wife team.
I am truly happy. I really look forward to having the time to learn more about who my husband is. |
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| Joyless poem... |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|11:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | touched | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | wind chimes above heat vent | ] |
1.
Nothing can replace joy.
Not alcohol, not drugs, nor smokes.
Not hobbies, long drives, or simple hopes.
Not men, not women,
Not monetary provision.
No false prophets,
Picture-heart lockets
When hope has defiled
And grace turns vile
Nothing can replace joy.
2.
To write a poem is to hear the voices of the dead. |
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| Pics to die for. |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|08:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Morphine | ] |
Lately, Brian got a certificate as a storm spotter. His new goal/aspiration is to get his camera all set up and go storm-chasing. Yeah. I suppose he could die. And that would kinda suck.
BUT!
My goal is to get a good digital photo to catch some dead people that keep bothering/walking through me. Ok, there's one I DON"T mind bothering me, cuz he's an old bud. But the others GAHSS TA GO!
Today I was driving around for the hell of it to get work out of my system. On this skinny country highway, all the people with new cars kept passing me and the lame-ohs in front of me. One passed, then the other got hot-nuts to pass too. Just as he was thinking about getting in front of the car in front of me, he missed another car head-on by a scarce few inches. I braced for a multi-car pile up and screamed. It was all so close.
A black and white picture of a noose entered my mind. All four cars avoided death. This picture called to me.
A new photo project - "50 cooler ways to die". The first black and white picture will be of a perfect cotton-rope 12 knot noose hanging from a rafter in my basement. The rest I will get creative for.
*Picture of the ground from atop a ladder.
*A full bathtub.
*A hand gripping a knife
*A car in a garage from a wierd angle.
Maybe I will borrow one of Brian's storm photos, especially if it has a tornado or some gnarly lightning in it.
Just gimme a good set of ghostie pictures at least. That would be an accomplishment for now. |
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| Pay that Dental his Dues |
[Feb. 26th, 2005|07:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Teenie-booper music station | ] |
Ok. So, my root canal failed like 3 days ago. I have a dental appointment this coming Tuesday, probably to get the tooth pulled. I'm not worried. It's time. I can't do anything without the gum throbbing. I'm up for a little extra pain to be better forever. It's gonna hurt and that little man is gonna be a bitch with his pliers, but I can take it. Dang thing is already so loose I could almost pull it myself!
Also, I'm beside myself. I sit in my office, alone and bored, and think, I was destined for more than this. I should be out saving lives, making movies, inventing things, designing buildings, or something great like that NOT FUCKING SITTING!
What do you do for a living? I sit. That's right. I sit. And I rot.
I will figure out something.
The other night, I watched Barbara Walters. She did a special on movie stars who lived lives of misery before they got somewhere. One of my favorites was Jim Carrey. His dad lost his job and the family wound up living in a little camper and hungry. Every night, Jim drove up to the top of Mullholland Drive and looked at the city lights and thought, "I'm the greatest comedian and make lots of money."
Four years later HE WAS!
Surely, I will get there too. This poverty shit sucks. I work. Actually have a real job and can't make ends meet. Can't afford garbage pick up, simple appliances, or even new clothes ever. This is utterly ridiculous and I will find the way!
I wonder how Billy and Tiffany are doing. |
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| I survived the dental hum dai! |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|07:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ahhhhh | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | television | ] |
Yes, today I went back to the dentist for the rest of my root canal. HOW painful! It literally was two hours of torture. The sounds, the grinding, the drilling, the sting of hot filling being shoved into the bottom of the root, touching the nerve! Hopefully, this root canal will last for a while before it needs extraction.
Now at least I can eat, but will be a FIEND about dental hygene for a while. Maybe even lose a few pounds from avoiding like EVERYTHING. Will probably start doing shakes for lunch and a sensible dinner.
All this torture makes me happy for one thing. At some point during the week, I have a husband to come home to grovel for sympathy to make me feel better. Without Brian, this would hurt a lot more. Hope he comes home from work early tonight (before 10 pm).
Oh well. Time to go brush ! |
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| I miss Brian. |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|06:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
It's another wednesday night and I aint' got nobody. No one to talk to and I just got paid. Oh how i wish I had Brian to talk to in an awful way. (as the song goes)
I hate Wednesday nights. These are Brian's band practice nights so he's in Makanda. Mind you, when he IS here, he doesn't pay too much attention. Last night he was caught up again in that damned SIMS game and turned my God and Jesus neighbors into gay lovers. Damnit! How dare he steal my characters and begay them?!
Anyway, even though like I said, he gets caught up in his own thing, it's like having some body part missing like a tooth or the hearing in one ear or something. Ah, married love.
So what will I do? Watch "Lost" and see which cute guy gets shot by Sawyer, while i eat that last piece of chocolate cake and a large glass of water. Enjoying my last night before more dental work.
I wonder what my brother and sister are up to. |
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| A decent day. |
[Feb. 14th, 2005|05:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
Today was alright. I got to talk to the boss over the phone and he was actually pretty cool about my leaving work with a broken tooth the other day. Here I was thinking I was so fired and I wound up so understood. Leave it to me to expect the worst.
I then got an email from Joe's aunt. She says his grandma said he "wanted to go to LSU because there was some girl he liked in New Orleans". I told his aunt that I might have been that girl if the year was between 1998 and 99. After all this time I find this out. He really, really did like me and must have dropped this by everyone else but me. Nice. I was just as clueless, nonetheless and am sure I forgot to drop that same emotion by him, just the same.
Today was sunny and warm in Southern Illinois. I am very sure that hell has frozen over. The feeling in my bad tooth is coming back and I am a little concerned at this point. That root canal on Thursday may wind up being an extraction instead.
So, today is valentine's day. I wound up giving dating advice to an ex-boyfriend on the internet who is way older than me and totally needs to chill out about women. It's kind of like a Sienfeld and Elaine situation, our friendship. We dated, it didn't work, so now we are just good friends. That's fine with me.
And by the way it is Valentine's Day. I asked Brian to cook me dinner instead of taking me out. I wonder if he will still do this or take me out. Not to say he would "chicken out", just that he may be tired after his day at work and that's totally understandable. I like to allow for the human condition. At this point in my weird-o life, I feel blessed just to have someone to spend this evening with. It could be different. I could be like many others I know on this day - alone, asking out strangers, chugging instead of loving, or simply six feet under.
I am lucky. I have Brian and most of my teeth. |
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| Root Canal, Mom is Insane, I am depressed |
[Feb. 12th, 2005|02:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  help me! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Chinese Midi loop - ambient music | ] |
Lately, everything's been a real pisser.
The other day, I had to leave work and close early because my tooth broke, I felt like passing out from the pain, and had to get an emergency root canal. The dentist only had enough time to do half of it, just enough to get me out of pain. The other half he will do this coming Thursday. So, now I get to wonder if my boss will fire me for leaving early and having the maintenance guy call him to let him know I left. The boss won't write, call, or anything. The secretary and I feel like he's on the warpath anyway, because we accidentally found some electronic timesheets being mailed to him by a security company. She worked there for 7 years and it's the first time she's seen them. I guess now he has all the ammo to fire me now because despite being on time and leaving on time all the time, he has ONE THING - I left early the other day. I wonder if it matters that it was a medical emergency. I wonder what happens when I go back to work on Monday.
Second, my mom is literally going insane. She has gone from a normal person who bitches all the time, to someone who doesn't always respond to questions, can't remember enough words to complete a sentence, buys pets impulsively and forgets to ever feed them, etc, etc. She is becoming a burden on my dad and brother who do not know what to do about her. We don't know if it's depression or alzheimer's. Everyone is starting to ask ME what to do. I don't know what to say. Bring her to a doctor. Put her in a mental hospital overnight for observation. Have her visit a psychologist. What can I do? I live 600 miles away and can't afford the plane ticket, car fix, or even the gas right now.
And I am depressed too. Back keeps throwing out, hate sitting at a desk all day, smell a rat at work, in debt past my eyeballs, kind of hungry, husband acts like nothing's wrong, father-in-law is shrinking away to nothing and mother-in-law doesn't know what to do either. I feel like shit all the time and feel like puking/crying all day at work. I can't really sleep at night anymore. Last night, I even took two alleves before bedtime and still woke up tossing and turning. Then, in the morning, I feel worse every day and feel tired and sick all day.
I took a nap when Brian got home today and couldn't sleep. Thought about how high Garden of the Gods must be and if I have enough gas to get there. Probably not. |
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| Free-thinkers |
[Feb. 9th, 2005|11:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | reggae | ] |
Recently the issue of censorship and fearing legalities has become an issue with someone I know. This person makes valid points, but lives in fear.
Live not in cowardice, young man, be yourself again. And write more columns that express how you REALLY feel!
I have a good website link for him.
http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Fascism/14_Characteristics_Fascism.html
Remember, this is what happens when we let it. |
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| Another Joe Dream |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 80s music in my head | ] |
OK, so this friend of mine who I affectioned deeply that died recently has visited me via a dream once more. Last night, I dreamed I met Joe for a nature walk onto some rock bluffs next to a whitewater river or crashing ocean or something. Across the horizon were some black mountains. I asked him what he supposed the view looked like from there. He told me, "you can't get to those mountains". He didn't say why. We stayed on the bluff for a while and took in the crashing waves, just standing around, watching.
Later, we went to my deceased favorite great aunt's house for lunch. Mom, who is still living, was there briefly and gave Joe a big hug, then left. He and I sat at the table and had a cup of coffee and sandwiches. "You can't leave," he said, "you need to honor me."
I was all like "Dude, I'm already married, I have to honor that other guy, what are you talkin' 'bout?" He said, "no, no, no, not like that..." but he didn't really explain what he meant and whatever he said made no sense.
I gave him a long, comforting hug, then woke up.
WTF? |
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| Friends and woes. |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|01:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | trucks rumbling by | ] |
OK, so today the secretary and I were getting sick at work. We found the culprit - a multi-month old AC filter that was pure black. SO, I took the office credit card to go buy a new one at Walmart.
I get to Walmart and run into this 80-someodd year old fart, initials CLL, that once hit on me. He stared me down as I walked past. Gahdamnit! I saw his obituary! WTF? I thought that old sum-sum was dead!
THEN, I get the filter and go to the checkout. The lady scans the office card like THREE times and it won't go through. SO, I couldn't buy the filter. She said, "Looks like your card expired." I apologized to her and all the other people in line and thought to myself, "Looks like my boss needs to start showing up to work."
ANYWAY, we coughed and hacked the rest of the afternoon in the office.
SO, then I started replying to posts on Killoggs.com. This femme fatale chick, Kara, is most interesting, but likes to get mad at me on there. I think she's pretty hilarious in her sarcasm and dry wit, though, much like my family, growing up. She assumes I'm all positive. Let's just say I'm a pessimist with a hint of optimism, here and there. (but only a hint)
Got done taking my spanking then did some email. Erica wrote for the first time in days. SHE"S PREGGERS! Wow! This is crazy! Hopefully she and her husband will somehow find the $$$ for stuff now. I wish her the best. She's pretty genuine and deserving of good fortune. (and does not always have good fortune)
Time to go home now and play housework. And hope my period starts soon!
FUCK. |
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| Seriously thinking of different employment. |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|12:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
This morning at work, as my boss was not here, as he rarely ever is here, I applied for a job online as a forest service employee in Tucson, Az. Kind of far from Illinois, but at this point I don't care. I still have an application in process over at SIU in Carbondale, IL, but who knows what'll happen there. Change must happen now or I will leave everyone and everything with a backpack and tank of gas.
I cannot live the exact same day for one more day. Sorry folks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2005|09:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
YAY! I just got word from da man that Killoggs will let guests post again this weekend! My world is sanctified again! I have a reason to live once more! Thank you Josh and thank you Killoggs! |
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| Bad Killoggs! |
[Feb. 3rd, 2005|12:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  inexplicably dissapointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cold, empty silence | ] |
This morning, I went to visit one of my favorite sites on the web, www.killoggs.com. It is a site full of free-thinkers, gen-xers, and old LSU people with good senses of humor. So, when I went to reply to one of the member posts, it wouldn't let me. Something about "no more anonymous posts".
The "members" are people chosen by the two guys who run the site. Each member gets a cartoon head by their name. Non-members are people like me, who never knew the two "head" guys in person so we were only able to post as guests. Unfortunately, a guest was friends with a member, stole their password, then posted as the member.
Now, no guests are allowed to reply on killoggs.com. So much for something I enjoyed. |
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